‘The Departure Lounge’ is the name the author gives to the New Jersey home of her increasingly demented mother and her equally demented second husband at the turn of the century. Money appears to be no issue with a large staff of caregivers, but they prove incapable of preventing crisis after crisis, necessitating many emergency trips from Federico’s home and family in Halifax, to New Jersey. The chaos she finds on those visits provides the bulk of the story narrated here. It alternates between being hilarious and terrifying, with insights into the pre-morbid quirky personalities of both of the geriatric subjects, and into the ambivalent relationship between mother and daughter.
A second ill-considered marriage in their 80s, opposed by family on both sides is certainly not unusual, but when both the bride and groom are high society alcoholics with unrecognized early dementia, the results are disastrous. When Mrs. Huber falls down drunk, the paramedics “recoiling from her 90-proof breath” deliver her to the hospital where she “sat bolt upright on the gurney and yelled ‘I demand an autopsy’ before passing out again.”
There is much to be learned from this memoir. It is not easy for any family member to deal with a parent’s mental decline in an objective way. Clearly, all concerned would have been better off by somehow getting the old folk into an appropriate assisted living environment. But they refused as often is the case. The failure of medical professionals to recognize and declare mental incompetence is also common. Family members go on guilt trips about locking parents up against their wishes. Sibling disagreements and conflicts abound. The result is unnecessary risk, stress, and expense for everyone. I hope that if/when I need to be institutionalized, I will still have enough insight and common sense to not resist. Better still however would be to, like most of my relatives who have died, remain mentally competent and physically independent until my last week or day or hour of life.
This wealthy family seemed to think that their problems could be solved by throwing more and more money at them, hiring more and more caregivers and professionals, but it just doesn’t work that way. The hired staff often did little but collect cheque’s and steal jewellery.
I am not sure that the mother’s dementia was due to the Alzheimer’s disease or a stroke that was finally diagnosed. As an alcoholic with erratic eating habits she would certainly be at risk for Wernicke-Korsakoff syndrome and some of her conversations seem to be the very convincing confabulations characteristic of that syndrome. Armchair diagnosis is so much fun and so easy!
There are some great insights into the complicated process of growing old. My favourite quote is “The real curse of old age is not the looming grave; it’s outliving your friends.”
Like Elizabeth Hay’s All Things Consoled , this memoir could be a very depressing read. Fortunately, the author manages to sprinkle it with a hefty dose of humour that makes it very enjoyable and thought-provoking.
The Passionate Reader 